Abstinence was OK for everybody else, but “I will be able to control my drinking or drug taking as long as I have a short break.” Moderation seemed the best and logical option. Like, abstinence means forever! A lifetime without a drink was too much to contemplate. The very idea of a life after rehab without their drug of choice was enough to derail them and send them running up the track to the nearest bar.

I realise that Abstinence is a big thing to ask your regular addict. You are asking him to give up the one thing that has made his life liveable, the only thing that can get him through a day. This is not an easy option.

Let’s get this straight. Abstinence is not ‘recovery’. Abstinence is a pre-condition of recovery. Recovery is about overcoming addictive thinking. Abraham J Twerski, in his book, ‘Addictive Thinking’ suggests the formula:-

Recovery = Abstinence + Change

He then makes the following observation, “When we try to convince addicts of the fallacy of their thinking, it is like telling someone that his or her belief in the law of gravity is a delusion. It is the height of futility to expect an addictive thinker to abandon that concept of reality and accept ours instead.”

Perhaps timing is an important factor. In the early stages of recovery how can you make a lifetime commitment, when taking a day at a time is all you can do? “Please don’t mention the ‘A’ word until I’ve been dry for six months and then some”

When a recovering person is six months into his program, he can start to see a different horizon. He can start looking forward to make short and medium term goals. Indeed, a significant goal may have already been achieved by making it through six months. So what about abstinence then? If there is so much as a shadow of a doubt about abstinence, our recovering person is due for a fall. It may come in a month, it may come in a week, but generally it happens the day you walk out of the rehab gate. Stay with the program until you can make a heartfelt decision for abstinence.

Why should you go for abstinence? – You will have experienced many traumas in your life as an addict. You will probably have lost your job, lost your family, spent time in prison, and attended too many funerals to remember. You have a life-controlling problem.

The only sure way not to repeat the previous 10 or 20 years is to have a commitment to abstinence. Decide never to use again. Abstinence is a choice you can make when you have been clean for a while, it is extremely difficult to make choices when you are still using. You may need help. Do another program, live a ‘day at a time’ even try harm reduction – but make a commitment to abstinence.

You may be ready right now to take this step. You are sick and tired of being sick and tired. You have had enough of letting your past dictate your future. You will know that it is the right time. There is a right time for some things.

Here are some steps to help you get into the right frame of mind:-

1. A commitment to abstinence is not a commitment to perfection.

2. Understand how your body and your mind works – get to know your triggers and find alternatives to your thinking patterns and your habits.

3. Remember that a lapse does not need to lead to a relapse – don’t beat yourself up when you slip – it’s a mistake, not the end of the world. Get help’

4. When was the last time you managed to moderate your drinking or drug taking? When did you last go out and have one beer then go home? Have you tried moderation a number of times and it didn’t work? Maybe that will help you decide.

Learn different coping mechanisms. If someone tempts you with a drink, say. “I don’t drink,” not, “I’m trying to give up.” Think like a non-drinker. If emotional issues arise, deal with them – don’t use them as an excuse to derail your recovery. You are on the ‘no-excuses’ track now.

Be totally committed to your future, Remember why you are making the new choices. That old way of life is in the past where it needs to stay. You can start a new life. Clear your head to focus on your goals. Be ever watchful but don’t be consumed by the old life. Forgive yourself and move on.

Abstinence is a post from: Recovery Coaching

We must consider doing likewise, weep over the rubble of our past, before we can rebuild our future.

Many recovering from addiction have suffered physical, emotional or sexual abuse. So to forgive the perpetrators seems to be an impossible task. Why is it so difficult to forgive? In many cases it may be our wrong understanding of forgiveness that prevents us taking the first step. It seems in our society that forgiveness is seen as a sign of weakness.

Before we can understand what forgiveness is, it may be helpful to find out what it ‘is n

1. Forgiveness is not forgetting

We cannot forget, and why should we? Those experiences, and even the pain they caused, have a great deal to teach us, both about not being victimised again, and about not doing the same to others.

That which is ‘forgotten’ is often not forgiven. We can learn from our past experiences and help others to move on also.

2. Forgiveness is not condoning

Forgiveness is not saying that what was done to us was OK or unimportant. It was bad. It did hurt. It has made a difference in our life. In fact true forgiveness cannot occur while we are in any way denying, minimising, justifying or condoning the actions that harmed us.

3. Forgiveness is not excusing

Everyone is responsible for their own actions. Forgiveness does not excuse people for what they have done. If you can excuse someone for what they have done, perhaps it is not something that needs forgiving in the first place. We must then be aware of our own choices, the part we may have played at the time.

4. Forgiveness is not a clear-cut one time decision

Forgiveness is often a process – not a one-time event. We may recollect the event and still feel the emotional pain after we have taken the step to forgive. The process may work a layer at a time. When a hurt is deep-seated it may take a number of steps to restore our balance. We will know that the process is complete when we can remember the event and wish that person well.

5. Forgiveness is not absolution

Absolution is setting someone free from guilt. We are not responsible for what they feel. We do not let those who hurt us of the hook. We do not absolve them of all responsibility for their actions. They are still responsible for what they did and must make their own peace with the past. Furthermore, if a crime was committed, they still have to pay their debt to society.

6. Forgiveness is not a form of self sacrifice

We do not need to play the martyr. We need to be honest about how we feel. Do not say it’s OK, when it is not. Being honest about the fact that we are not ready to forgive yet, is better for us in the long run than pretending to forgive

7. Forgiveness is not reconciliation

It is sometimes not possible to reconcile a relationship. The perpetrator may have died, or a former spouse may have remarried We can forgive someone without having to establish a relationship with them again.

Mahatma Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” You will know that you are on the road to recovery when you can be strong enough to take the first step to forgive. Remember, don’t let your past dictate your future.

About Forgiveness – 7 Myths Explored is a post from: Recovery Coaching

1. Forgiveness is a healing process

Often we cannot start this process alone. It depends on a number of factors. How and when we were hurt and by whom. How did we react at that time. What did we come to believe about ourselves because of this. Remember that forgiveness is a process and the healing can take time. There is no quick fix.

2. Forgiveness is an act of the will

Many think that forgiveness is an act that comes out of a felt emotion. Certainly, there is an emotional dimension to healing and forgiveness. But at it’s basic level, you must choose to forgive. It may not be easy but you must decide to take this course it is a choice.

3. Forgiveness is a sign of positive self esteem

Sometimes the most difficult act of forgiveness is to forgive yourself. This opens the door to be able to forgive others. It is often said that forgiveness boosts your self esteem. When we no longer want to see ourselves in the light of our past hurts and injustices, and come to believe the truth about ourselves, we feel better inside and out.

4. Forgiveness is letting go

Forgiving is not forgetting: It is letting go of anger and hurt and moving on. It doesn’t change what happened. Letting go means that the pain from our past no longer has a hold on us. This makes a way for us to set new plans for our future. Forgiveness means letting go so that we can move on.

5. Forgiveness is an internal process

Forgiveness is an internal process. It can’t be forced, and it doesn’t come easy. It brings with it great feelings of wellness and freedom. But we experience this only when we want to heal and when we are willing to work for it. We claim the right to stop hurting when we say, “I’m tired of the pain, and I want to be healed.” At that moment, forgiveness becomes a possibility-although it may take time and much hard work before we finally achieve it.

6. Forgiveness is recognising that we no longer need our grudges

Dante used the phrase: “The wrathful travel in a cloud”. Their outlook on life is distorted because their inner condition is affected by hate. It doesn’t make sense to remain unforgiving. Nursing grudges works like acid on the soul. We are not able to see straight, literally and spiritually.

7. Forgiveness is no longer wanting to punish people

The anger we feel towards them is hurting us more than it hurts them. The anger was stopping the healing. We feel that inner healing and the peace that goes with it. Forgiveness is accepting that nothing we do to punish the offender will heal us. Forgiveness is freeing up the energy that was spent in anger and chanelling it into our present and future.

8. Forgiveness offers a chance at reconciliation

It was mentioned in a previous article that forgiveness is not reconciliation. Reconciliation is restoring a relationship to a positive state. This is not possible if the perpetrator has died, or a former spouse has remarried. Reconciliation goes beyond forgiveness and may generally not be possible if forgiveness has not taken place. If someone says that they have forgiven a person yet they avoid that person at all costs – it is likely that some deep seated resentment is still there.

9. Forgiveness is the only way to heal the pain

We make a decision to say that we are sick and tired of this pain, we do not want to be a victim any longer, and need to deal with the pain in a positive way. Then we know that the road to to recovery is possible and forgiveness is taking place.

10. Forgiveness is freedom

Forgiveness is freeing up the energy. Forgiving someone means that you have released them from the consequences of their action to you so that you can be free. Those who hold resentment in their heart are in no position to withstand any of the storms of life. Your own personal vision of inner peace and what you want your life to become is available when you forgive.

Forgiveness: 10 Steps to Freedom is a post from: Recovery Coaching

How is a Recovery Coach different from a Therapist?

Recovery coaching is not a substitute for therapy. If clients have deep-seated emotional or psychological pain, then a good coach will refer the client to the appropriate specialist (coaches are often Generalists). You will sometimes find that the coaching and the therapy can run side by side.Coaching focuses on the present and future, therapy focuses primarily on the past. In therapy the question is how are past issues affecting the present. In coaching the question is what can be done today to move the client forward to reach their goals.

How is a Recovery Coach different from a Doctor?

If there are physical problems, again a good coach will refer the client to a specialist. A client needs to be in sufficiently good physical and mental health to respond to the demands of recovery coaching – both to the relationship and the outcomes.

How is a Recovery Coach different from a Counsellor?

Counsellors are often in the business of giving advice, but coaches generally try not to. Counselling assumes a relationship where the counselor is the expert. Coaching assumes that the client is the expert (about his or her own life).

How is a Recovery Coach different from a Mentor?

Often, mentoring is seen as a model for coaching. A mentor is someone who can pass on knowledge based on experience, a wise person, an advisor or a trusted role model. A coach is a facilitator who can help develop new skills with an eye on the future. A coach  helps people gain competence and confidence.

How is a Recovery Coach different from a Sponsor?

Sponsors are involved with 12 step programmes like Alcoholics Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, and Debtor’s Anonymous. They would have completed the steps themselves and then help others along the same road.Sponsors are not paid professionals; they benefit personally from the service they give by staying clean and sober or abstinent themselves. They stick with the steps and traditions. Often the focus is on cleaning up the past.

How is a Recovery Coach different from Family & Friends?

Coaches differ from personal helpers such as friends and family because coaches don’t have the same emotional investment. Coaches do not have pre-conceived ideas about their clients because they do not know a client in the same way that friends and family do. This means that a recovery coach can me more objective and non- judgemental. Coaches are not influenced by a client’s past.

Conclusion

Recovery Coaching can be distinguished from other professional relationships in that coaching is based on partnership. Counsellors, doctors, and therapists and mentors often have expert knowledge that they impart in the form of advice, diagnosis, or providing a solution. A coach’s job is to get the client to think in a different way! Coaches rarely give advice.  Instead, they work with clients to arrive at their own solutions, and then support them to stay on track to bring about change.

How is Recovery Coaching Different from Other Professional Relationships? is a post from: Recovery Coaching

We often feel that ‘just one more time’ is a step too far. The thing that has overcome us now stands on the victory side, and we are a defeated. We may go through many challenges in life. Addiction, financial ruin, divorce and bereavement are just some of the ‘things’ that life throws at us. Can we really recover from these traumas and move forward?

Recover Coaching answers this question in the affirmative. Not only can we recover from life’s traumas, but with the right coaching support, we can become stronger and move forward in ways that we did not think were possible.

Recovery coaching does not deal with the past issues or traumas – for example it will not explain why an addiction has occurred, nor identify the causes.

So what does recovery coaching do?

1. Recovery coaching deals with ‘the here and now’. It encourages clients to look forward and not let their past dictate their future.

2. Recovery coaching recognises future potential not past performance.

3. Recovery coaching assumes that there is a positive attitude in clients who seek to improve their lives through coaching and that this in itself provides the first step to recovery.

4. Recovery coaching helps clients define their own values and strengths to find their way to success because it believes that clients who are clear about their life goals and values are better able to achieve and maintain a long-term recovery.

5. Recovery coaching would agree with Robert H. Schuller in saying, “Goals are not only absolutely necessary to motivate us. They are essential to really keep us alive.”

6. Recovery coaching recognizes that pursuit is the evidence of desire, and that we change in the process of pursuing that which we desire. Zig Ziglar said it best, “What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.”

7. Recovery coaching recognizes that people in recovery may lack some life-skills or need new skills to move forward.

8. Recovery coaching helps clients fill in the gaps by  encouraging them to know that learning is part of life, whether they need budgeting skills or a vocational qualification.

9. Recovery coaching is about asking the right questions. Sometimes, powerful motivational questions are needed to allow clients to think in a different way, thus enabling them to overcome a stuck point in their recovery process.

10. Recovery coaching recognises that recovery is a process not a one-time event, and helps clients to move forward from one stage to the next by helping them decide what is right for them.

What is Recovery Coaching? 10 Life-Saving Benefits is a post from: Recovery Coaching