One of the big stumbling blocks on the road to recovery is being able to forgive. Yet unforgiveness creates the rubble that blocks our road and prevents us moving forward. We seem to cherish holding onto the pain and the hurt and the rubble piles higher. Why would we rather try and bury the offending pile than face the emotional pain of clearing it? It is well said, that holding on to resentment, is like drinking poison and expecting the other man to die. When the Old Testament leader, Nehemiah, was confronted with rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem, he first had to weep over the ruins.
We must consider doing likewise, weep over the rubble of our past, before we can rebuild our future.
Many recovering from addiction have suffered physical, emotional or sexual abuse. So to forgive the perpetrators seems to be an impossible task. Why is it so difficult to forgive? In many cases it may be our wrong understanding of forgiveness that prevents us taking the first step. It seems in our society that forgiveness is seen as a sign of weakness.
Before we can understand what forgiveness is, it may be helpful to find out what it ‘is n
1. Forgiveness is not forgetting
We cannot forget, and why should we? Those experiences, and even the pain they caused, have a great deal to teach us, both about not being victimised again, and about not doing the same to others.
That which is ‘forgotten’ is often not forgiven. We can learn from our past experiences and help others to move on also.
2. Forgiveness is not condoning
Forgiveness is not saying that what was done to us was OK or unimportant. It was bad. It did hurt. It has made a difference in our life. In fact true forgiveness cannot occur while we are in any way denying, minimising, justifying or condoning the actions that harmed us.
3. Forgiveness is not excusing
Everyone is responsible for their own actions. Forgiveness does not excuse people for what they have done. If you can excuse someone for what they have done, perhaps it is not something that needs forgiving in the first place. We must then be aware of our own choices, the part we may have played at the time.
4. Forgiveness is not a clear-cut one time decision
Forgiveness is often a process – not a one-time event. We may recollect the event and still feel the emotional pain after we have taken the step to forgive. The process may work a layer at a time. When a hurt is deep-seated it may take a number of steps to restore our balance. We will know that the process is complete when we can remember the event and wish that person well.
5. Forgiveness is not absolution
Absolution is setting someone free from guilt. We are not responsible for what they feel. We do not let those who hurt us of the hook. We do not absolve them of all responsibility for their actions. They are still responsible for what they did and must make their own peace with the past. Furthermore, if a crime was committed, they still have to pay their debt to society.
6. Forgiveness is not a form of self sacrifice
We do not need to play the martyr. We need to be honest about how we feel. Do not say it’s OK, when it is not. Being honest about the fact that we are not ready to forgive yet, is better for us in the long run than pretending to forgive
7. Forgiveness is not reconciliation
It is sometimes not possible to reconcile a relationship. The perpetrator may have died, or a former spouse may have remarried We can forgive someone without having to establish a relationship with them again.
Mahatma Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” You will know that you are on the road to recovery when you can be strong enough to take the first step to forgive. Remember, don’t let your past dictate your future.